Engagement picture nearly 5 years ago...
Each day that passes Joel & I step closer to the mission field our hearts long so much for. In a little over 100 days we will leave on a plane to spend three wonderful months serving in Kenya. We can't wait! So much to be done between now and February 1st:
- Joel will rotate at several locations that we are considering for residency
- We will pack up our house & move it all into storage
- We still have just a "few" ;) dollars to raise towards our trip
I am writing this sitting in a cafe in Wichita, Kansas - visiting Joel during one of those aforementioned rotations. He is working in a pediatric clinic today - I am exploring this fun little city....
Of course, the exploration hasn't been too overwhelming.
Found a coffee shop I like.
Yep, that's about the sum total of the exploring today :)
There are so many thoughts in my heart/head about Joel's & my future (grammar? why don't I just say "our" future? So much easier, so much more boring. Plus, while our futures are intertwined they will still be experienced differently). I wish I could take time and really write them out, but I think I am still unsure about this blogging thing.
Truth be told, I blog because I hope that there will be people out there who care to know about our journey towards the field. Who will be interested in what it means to hear His voice & really follow it.
But then I wonder if there really are those people, and I don't really need to blog for my own sake - that's what I journal for.
Or maybe I do.
Well, here are a few of those head thoughts/ potential future blogging material:
- I wonder if I will be ready for the missions field. I have spent so long in the comfort of the U.S., will I really be okay with picking out sticks and worms from my beans before I cook them? Do I have what it takes to live a fairly consistently uncomfortable life?
- What is the role of suffering in our Kingdom walk? How does the reality of God's grace, love & shepherding intertwine with "in this world you will have trouble"?
- How can I be intentional in the years remaining (3-4ish) until we finally have that one way ticket?
- Am I being called in by the siren song of American culture in a way that supersedes the Shepherd's voice in my heart?
And so I ponder. But I would love to hear your thoughts on any of these musings too.
Come, let us reason together.
How do we develop a consistently growing character to the things of God? This is something I am unsure about. We had a "noon conference" today about a resident (Naomi) who went to Uganda several months ago, and I think was overwhelmed with the need and lack of ability to make a huge difference. I wonder if I am okay with my life making very little difference in the world, even if in the Kingdom and following His will. The Christianese answer would tell you that every minute counts and you'll often never know the difference you are making, what seeds you are planting. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I'm not sure I can avoid the discouragement of the mission field and it scares me. I think between the two of you, you have the love and devotion (and the guidance of the Spirit) that will make it work out when it needs to, how it needs to.
ReplyDeleteCheck this out.
http://www.focus-usa.org/Missions_Reader/STOP%20SENDING%20MONEY.pdf
You two are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you are wrestling with these questions is a huge sign that when the day comes. You will be ready.
Your passion for Jesus supersedes the comfort of the life you have come to know. He will sustain. He is faithful. It will be hard. For sure. But do we run from hard? Did our sweet Saviour?
I will continue to pray for you all and your future.
love from Uganda,
michelle
I love hearing your heart Mel! If I can't be musing with you as we sit together at a cafe,(which i miss doing!) then blogging must do for now I suppose! Btw, did I tell you how much I love having you as one of my best friends. really! you are a treasure and one of god's gifts in my life! :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've asked all those questions too. I think it's so cool you've started to blog about your journey ...
I guess one thing that i always come back to, which helps me when i have a million questions aobut my future and purpose, etc ... is the reality of God's abiding presence.
not to sound "churchy" or overly spiritual, but for real, this fact has really helped to calm and quiet and still the storm of doubts plaguing my mind daily .. and man, do I have soooo many questions and fears.
For me, it helps to just remember God is really with me wherever I go - I mean if His Holy Spirit is really living INSIDE me; if He is really Emmanuel; if God's presence is the deepest bedrock of reality in my life -- if it's really true that nothing, not one thing, can separate me from His Love -- if it's true that he will never leave or forsake me, if it's true that He is with me in the valley of the shadow of death or when my soul is in "sheol" - if He really is the ever-present help in trouble -- if it's true that in God's presence is fullness of JOY...If I am in Christ and Christ is in me - if all that is true, then really, there is nothing that should frighten me. Presence is everything!! (case in point: it makes me think of how i always drive a lot more defensively when i see a police car on the road; knowing his presence is there affects my behavior. if i didn't know the cop was behind me, i would most likely drive faster haha!!! :)
i still get scared of the biggness of the call of God. the mission field scares me a lot. I still have so many unanswered questions and ponder my motives. But I guess what has helped me lay my head down at night with a little more peace is believing He is laying right there next to me. And he is smiling. I think of all those men/women in the Bible who made it through their crazy lives and through dangers/ordeals much more intense than my cushy american life ... and "The Lord was with them" brought them victory!
Maybe it's just me, but that fact really helps to silence all the "what-if's" in my life. i don't really care. If Jesus is with me, by my side, if we are ONE in spirit, then what can man do to me? It's like what Jesus said to his disciples, "why are you afraid? Take courage. it is I. "
sometimes I picture what would happen if all my fears came true ... like I picture myself in the worst case scenario. But then i picture in my head Jesus being right there next to me in the midst of it. and somehow it doesn't matter so much and i'm not as worried or freaked out. so what if i suffer? so what if i don't get married? so what if i lose friends, family, material possessions?? so what if i am alone? so what if i end up in a far away place away from the familiar and convenient of American culture? If I know my Hero is with me, then I'm gonna be okay! :)
P.S. - to clarify... I don't believe the worst will happen to me. i don't meditate on my fears becoming reality ... Prov 4:18 - the path of the just gets brighter and brigther!! :) just an illustration that even if all around me were to fall apart, (which nearly happened) I have someone with me who is bigger and who could handle my disappointment and pain.
ReplyDeleteQuestions I have asked myself....even been afraid to ask myself sometimes, because the questions beg answers. The thought I have been hung up on recently is the idea of still clinging to, holding fast to the vision that was given so many years ago, when sometimes I don't feel the vision. Does that make sense? Thanks for sharing friend. :) Lets talk soon.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Thanks to all you other ladies whom have posted here that I have never met. Your words have been encouraging to me. Blessings!
ReplyDeletefriend! when you said you were in wichita my heart jumped for joy for this is where I currently reside while waiting for my next move! I am so glad to hear about y'alls journy.
ReplyDeletePeace
tiff
oh and can I say that I have been there done that on the picking of bugs out of rice or beans, it's not so bad but it can be more frustrating to take a big bite out os some fruit and discover a nest of bugs at the core- but then just chalk it up to the price one pays for BEYOND ORGANIC food! hahaa
ReplyDeleteall of you beautiful women are so wonderful. thanks for sharing your hearts. I am so blessed.
ReplyDeleteI will ponder these things & there are many, many more posts to come in the future years - thanks for traveling on this journey with me.